Have you ever thought about how many lies we tell our children? You may be thinking, “I don’t lie to my kids”, but, is that true? We tell our children little lies daily even when we don’t mean to. We tell them there is a Santa Claus, an Easter Bunny and a Tooth Fairy and these are great lies. Children need a sense of whimsy and the myth of these wonderful, magical entities is wonderful. However, these are not the lies that I am talking about. I am talking about the lies we tell children about life and the way the world works. Lies that our children will come to realize are not true at all.
Lie Number One – Life Is Fair
When we raised our daughter one of the things we taught her was the importance of being fair. The importance of sharing and making sure that things are equal. (An example of this would be spending the same amount for birthday gifts for each party she was invited to, regardless of how close she was to the child.) We taught her that she should never leave anyone out and that she should treat all people the same regardless of race, sex, sexuality, spiritual beliefs or wealth. I truly thought we were teaching her properly. Naively I believed that other parents were teaching their children the same things.
Life Is Not Fair
In telling her these things I had set her up for failure. More importantly, I had raised her in a way that left her open to disappointment. Do Not, tell your children that life is fair because it isn’t. Life is hard even for kids.
You Should Treat Everyone Kindly
Teaching her that you should treat all people the same is not something I regret because I believe it to be true. Where I failed was in neglecting to tell her that other people might not reciprocate. Kids can be mean and she was ill-prepared for this. While we invited everyone in the class to the birthday other people did not. When playing in the park we would ask kids who were alone to join in. The other kids didn’t do this. I neglected to tell her that kids can be mean, which is just a fact of life. We didn’t tell her this until it was too late, her kindness was seen as a weakness and the bullies stepped in.
Everyone Gets A Prize
Whoever came up with this deserves a smack. That sounds terrible, but, it is true. Kids nowadays get a prize just for showing up. If you are on a team you get a trophy even if you are terrible. My question is this, if everyone gets the same thing what is the purpose of trying your best? If there are no winners and losers where is the sense of a job well done? We must teach our kids that you don’t always get a prize. You don’t get a good grade just for showing up to class. Kids need to understand that you get a prize when you have earned it. Showing up is the bare minimum, trying your best is next and becoming the best is where the prizes come in. I am not saying that children shouldn’t be recognized for trying their best. I am saying that life does not work this way and the sooner they realize that, the better.
It Doesn’t Matter How You Look
This is something everyone tells their kids. It doesn’t matter how you look on the outside, it’s about how you are on the inside. Isn’t this lovely? It is lovely, however, it simply isn’t true. Most people would rather date someone good-looking than someone unattractive. If you apply for a job and two people have the same credentials the attractive person will get the job every time. It does matter how you look. It seems to be human nature to judge others and the way someone looks is a part of that. You can tell your kids that looks aren’t everything. Just don’t tell them they don’t matter because they do.
They’re Just Jealous
Have you ever heard or said this? My Mom used to say that to me all the time. When I was a little girl I often got my face washed out with snow (do people still say this)? Every time this happened she would tell me it was because of jealousy. Now you and I both know that jealousy had nothing to do with it. In life there will always be people who don’t like you, there will always be mean people and some people are just bullies. Don’t lie to your kids because they are smart enough to know that you are lying.
Never Tell A Lie
Some of us tell our kids the following; don’t lie, always tell the truth and be honest. I never taught my daughter that sometimes you have to tell a little white lie. Prepare your kids for life and be honest with them. Sometimes you have to lie, “No, you don’t look fat in those pants”, or “Your green hair looks nice”, people do not always want to hear the truth. Sometimes the truth can be mean, sometimes the truth is something you should keep in your head. Teach them the difference between lying and hurtful candour it is a distinction they must be aware of.
The Good Guy Always Wins
Of all the lies we tell our children this may be the most damaging one. The good guy doesn’t always win in fact he often loses. Sometimes you have to be a little mean, a little aggressive, a tad assertive. The reality is the good guy does not always win. Sometimes the good guy is not the best person for the job. Our children cannot go around thinking that they will always win because they are a good person. Everyone loses whether they are a good guy or not.
Why We Lie To Our Children
Most of us lie to our children out of love, we know the world can be a cruel place and want to shield them as long as possible. A little lie never hurt anyone, but, teaching our kids things that are unrealistic is one of the least loving things we can do. Take it from a Mom who raised her child this way, sometimes honesty is the best policy. Be kind, be gentle, but, make sure your kids know how the world is and not how you want it to be.
If you are interested in learning about building self-confidence in your kids go here.